It’s been a helluva week. Really a helluva month… no wait… helluva year.
My husband left me in March. The divorce was final August 3rd. My cat of 18 years died just two weeks later on August 17th (most likely of a broken heart).
Then, a road rage punk guy screamed at me he was going to shoot me while spitting in my face last Sunday evening. If he'd had his gun with him he swore he would. And I do believe him.
No kidding.
“What’s wrong with you?” I screamed back at him. “And what’s wrong with your entire generation!?”
I probably should not have gotten out of my car and engaged him but I wasn’t about to let him bully me.
By this point, I’d had it. I’ve had it with life in general.
So, the punk kid screamed and spit in my face and it felt the same as any attack would.
Horrible.
A pure violation of my being.
What is wrong with this world??
I’ve had it with loss, and death and pain. I honestly didn’t care if he did shoot me. I have no family. I only would hate that my death would go undiscovered for awhile and my poor animals would be alone without care.
To say that I truly relate to the old blues song, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Nobody knows my sorrow,” would be an understatement.
When does it get better? When will the losses be replaced?
When will I see JUSTICE?
Maybe never. We have to face the reality that suffering is the way of this world especially if you are a Christian. Christ does not promise us an easy life. On the contrary, he promises us crosses to bear along with HIM. He promises us he won’t give us more than we can handle and he will be there with us.
I’ll be honest, sometimes lately it certainly feels like more than I can handle.
So, how do I reconcile the guy spitting in my face, the losses of pets and parents and homes, and futures and husbands? How do I move forward? How do I believe in the goodness of life again? How do I get out of bed believing there is any hope for the day? That life is still worthwhile even though painful?
I don’t know.
I really don’t have any answers. I guess you have to have faith. You have to believe even when it’s hard. You have to have hope even when you see absolutely no reason to hope.
I’m crying Uncle, God. I need a break.
Or just let me hurry up and die a martyr. That would be preferable to this constant despair and desolation.
Losing hope is the worst loss ever. To be hopeless is the greatest tragedy.
Because we can get through anything if we have hope. We can keep going against all odds.
Like the song “Elizabeth Taylor” says that I wrote in 2011 when I went through my first period of major loss and devastation…
Here’s hoping we don’t lose hope.
