Inner struggles

I am sitting alone at The Project and I can already start to feel a bitterness inside of me. A moment of inner frustration that is coming forward. At that moment it is something that will not be easily contained. It comes from a desire to share my talents with others. A need to do the Lord’s work. An inner longing that overrides my basic understanding. Yet tempered by the stark reality that the interest in what I do is very limited at best.

People who I run into or fans of my work are often surprised when I share with them the difficulties I have with The Project. They are out right amazed that parishes are not reaching out to me more often about doing displays. However I have come to pretty much expect this lack of interest. Even when I go out of my way to try and secure sites on my own. Yet often times not generating any real good results. Those are the days when I spent more time praying for things that, for a moment at least, are simply not meant to be. Even if I am doing this for the right reasons.

I am not one to give up easily. I don’t like giving in no matter how much things seem to be against me. However in those moments of frustration the temptation to give up can almost be overpowering. Sometimes leading me down rabbit holes of questioning if I am even truly doing what God is asking of me. Thankfully I already know the answer.

It can be hard to build The Project year after year. It can be even harder in trying to share my work with others. More so since I’m on my own. What gives me the most reason to have this level of discouragement is that I do need help. Realizing that such help may not simply exist. As the season move from one to the next this becomes more of a struggle. Still I push forward. It is all I can do. After a time these dark feelings start to fade and subside. Though the struggle will remain.

It is often said that a prophet is rarely accepted in their own lands. Not that I would consider myself anything like that. Though this is something that I’ve come to understand. Yet I still push forward. Partly because I am stubborn and I don’t like to give up. Partly because of my strong desire to follow Christ. Lastly because I have this powerful desire to use and share my talents that God has given me.

As I’m sitting at the table I get back to working on The Project. Putting everything that is troubling me into the bricks that are scattered about. All the while I am Praying At The Bricks. -

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